HEALING BROKEN HEARTS AND WOUNDED SOULS

Archive for the ‘FAMILY’ Category

To hold on or to let go?

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Life is made of seasons. Some seasons require that we let go while other seasons need a holding on.

If you hold on when you are supposed to let go, you are in trouble; and if you let go when you are expected to keep holding on, you are in as much trouble.

Now you ask me, when do I know it’s time to hold on or to let go? Good question.

For this we need discernment. Ask of God and He will give you of this spirit abundantly and free of charge.

In addition to this we need wisdom; not the wisdom of this world that comes to nothing but divine wisdom that leads to sure victory. “Is it wise for me to hold on or to let go in this situation?”

Furthermore you need to know your bigger purpose in life. “Does letting go, or holding on, fit into the bigger purpose, vision, plan for my life?”

For all of these to work together for your good you need faith, the kind of unshakable faith that defies all odds. You must have self-confidence and the right kind of self-esteem so that you don’t get tossed from one opinion to another by public opinion.

There will be times in your life wherein the whole world (including your spouse, father, pastor, child etc) is against you. At the same time, the Spirit of God, and your deepest conviction are saying the contrary. What will you do in this case? Give in to the pressure?

There is a time to hold on and a time to let go. May you never hold on to dry branches, and may you never let go of God-given opportunities.

Discern, be wise, be purposeful, then take a stand and be ready to defend it with your faith.

To hold on or to let go?

More of you and less of yours

I need your heart more than your purse.

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I need your presence more than you check.

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I need your love more than your money.

How focused are you? Take the test.

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Certainty is born out of conflict

You’ll never know whether you’re focused until something tries to pull you out of your chosen path.

Temptations and distractions can help you establish priorities if they are well managed.

  • Should I marry or pursue a career?
  • Do I choose adventure or my studies?
  • Should I cook supper for him or take a cup tea and go to bed?
  • Should I go to church or to the party?

When you face attractive alternatives and choose to remain faithful to your chosen course, then you know you are a focused and purpose-driven person.

TOO EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED? IT’S TIME TO GET GOING.

Life is made up of times and seasons. We are called upon to move on from one place, situation and level to another. This will happen to each one of us from time to time. There are moments of transition and there are new challenges and targets to handle all the times.

We can’t grow, make progress or even succeed in life if we get stuck in one position.
The problem with people like me is that we often get too emotionally attached to some situations that are meant to be only temporary; a job, a mentor, a habitation etc. It becomes difficult to let go and keep going when it’s time to break camp and advance.

In my own experience, God has dealt with this issue in my life in a number of ways:
A. He sometimes provokes a conflict that will then end up kicking me out of my comfort zone.
B. He sometimes incites people to reject and hate me outright. This is usually when I insist on holding unto a dead end- a relationship that has come to its natural end.
c. I have had situations where I was moved to hate an environment; this as preparation for me to move to a new location. Isn’t it amazing that the things that you loved and cherished yesterday have become simply unbearable to you today? Perhaps it’s time to move on.

 Now, let’s be very careful here. There are things you are not permitted to move on from. You can’t just move on from your marriage, spouse and kids because you no longer feel like staying on. You will be hurting a whole lot of people and bringing more disorder and pain in society. You can’t move on from your assignment because things have become too tough. God calls us for life, not for ‘as long as it feels good’.

 Sometimes the movement is not necessarily physical. It might be emotional or psychological; you may have to stop engaging in a certain activity, dressing in a particular style or treating someone in a particular manner. For instance, when your children become adolescents you move on from the way to used to talk to them when they were just little kids.

 Remember, there is no promotion without movement (physical or mental). If you resist moving on when it is the time to do so you could miss out on what God wants to do in your life for that season. You could then be stuck on one spot all your life.
On your marks, get set, move…

Love, the mature way

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I will borrow a thought from one of my favorite French writers,

Antoin de Saint-Exupery. He said, to love is not just looking at each other

but looking together in the same direction. I think this is the mature kind

of love. It’s not just about looking at each other in the eyes, kissing and exchanging smiles.

It is the ability to face life together; to overcome obstacles together and still be in love.

It is when we share common hopes, dreams and objectives.

If we do not love this way, we will find ourselves sooner or later

pulling each other in opposite directions.

Are you in love now? Are you looking at each other all the time

or do you look together in the same direction? Do you agree on the most essential issues

of your life?

Think about this.

Give it away

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Those who deserve love the least need it the most.

I don’t want to be like you mum!

Featured image What will you do if your own child looked at you in the face and made that kind of a statement? Will you consider them rude, ungrateful and mean? It might be they are rebellious and wanting to have their own way in life, or it might just be a call for you to take a deeper look at things you have ignored for so long. A better and more objective approach to such a statement will be to ask yourself a few questions.

  • Have I done something negatively outrageous of recent?
  • Has she discovered something I have been trying to hide from her?
  • Does the life I live inspire her to be proud to be my daughter?

The truth is that our children go through every bit of pain, trauma and stress we face in life. You could try to hide it as best as you can but the signs are always there. You might not say a word about it but they can read it on your face. Things are not working out between mum and dad. Mum has been crying in her bedroom. Dad has started staying out late at night again. Mum has become very sad and anxious ever since that lady moved into the neighborhood. Take a closer look. You might think your kid is shielded from the mess in your life whereas she’s really part of it, savoring every piece with you. That child might be hurting more than you are. You have a deeper understanding of the things that are going on in your life but she doesn’t. All she sees is the pain and stress on your face and she really want to help but doesn’t know how. When she says she doesn’t want to be like you, she is not trying to belittle or humiliate you. It is a cry for help. She is scared to death of having to live the same kind of life you live. Rather than get angry with them do something about yourself and give that innocent one a chance to live a different kind of life; to be happy. Get some help, even if it’s just for the sake of that child.

Nothing left

When you get to a place

where you have got

nothing more to lose

Then you have become qualified

for God to use.

The dilemma of a foster parent.

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I will like to examine an issue that touches so many lives in our society and families. It is the situation of receiving foster children into our homes and caring for them.

It’s a very good thing to receive foster children into our homes and to love and care for them.But the challenges could become overwhelming.

will like to examine some issues I’ve learned from this kind of relationship based on my own experiences.

I know how some foster parents will go the extra mile to show how much they love their foster kids, but at the end of it, all they seem to get is “if my mum were here she would do better.” I admit it’s not easy to swallow that pill after you’ve done all you can to make their life comfortable. “If only she could show a little more appreciation for all we are doing for her.”

Let’s see it this way:

 

No matter how good you are as a foster parent, you will “never” be able to replace a child’s biological parents. Do not even try to give yourself that impossible task. In my part of the world we say “blood is thicker than water.” No matter how hard you try, somewhere deep down there that child keeps thinking of what she is missing out on by being away from home. Some of them actually think that life has conspired to keep them away from their parents; and you are one of the conspirators.

There will always be regrets related to a child leaving their home, even if they were abused there.

I’ve seen a some of them really integrate into their foster homes with satisfaction because they have been rescued from precarious situations. But if your own child doesn’t fit that way, don’t lose hope.

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What we should know is that some of those kids don’t even know what is wrong with them. They know that you love them and that you are doing everything to make them happy; but somehow they just can’t find that happiness. There seems to always be something missing. That missing link is the absence of that “kind of love that only their momma and daddy can give to them.”

This is a situation that creates a lot of misunderstanding between the two camps. The foster parents think the child is ungrateful while the child thinks they aren’t doing enough. The issue here is more psychological than emotional. This becomes even more complicated when children are against their will forced to live in foster conditions because of the circumstances of their lives. “Prison is prison…no matter how comfortable it gets.”

If you are a foster parent, this is the advice I can give to you:

Try as much as you can not to show to your foster kids that you are keeping them against your will. “I wish I could get rid of you one of these days.”

This can create in them a sense of rejection that will haunt them all their lives. Even when they become adults they could avoid visiting and staying in other people’s homes because they are haunted by the idea of not being welcome. They could find it difficult to appreciate hospitality because no matter how well you receive them they are too busy fearing the worse, to appreciate the good food, nice shower and comfortable bed you offered them.

Be honest and transparent enough to let them know that you aren’t trying to replace their parents; you really can’t do so even if you wanted to, and that you are doing your best to keep them comfortable; even it you can’t do it as their parents would.

Never devalue their biological parents in their face.

 

Do not say or do things that seem to suggest you have no respect for their biological parents. Again I say, “blood is thicker than water.” “Even if my mum is insane, she’s still my mum…if my father is a drug-addict, he’s still my dad. You are rich, you are educated, but you can’t replace my parents…” That’s how they will respond; at least in their minds, if they aren’t courageous enough to tell you that in your face.

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Do not compare your foster children to your biological kids.

“You’re not as intelligent as Suzy…you aren’t as smart as Benny.” We must admit that the play ground is not level. On one hand we have children who already feel as “unders” because of their circumstances and everything they do is somehow colored by that reality. Then we have another set of kids who feel on top because of their own circumstances. Some foster kids feel rejected and can’t really relate or fit in. consequently they do some “stupid things”, not because they are stupid but because of the mind set they carry. The more you scold such kids, the more errors they commit. Don’t let it become a vicious cycle.

Do not make the foster kids servants to the biological ones; make sure your own kids do not subject them to unfair treatment because they are not their siblings.

So many wrong things could be going on under your roof without you being aware of them. Keep an eye on the kind of relationship that exists between your kids and your foster children. Immediately correct any irregularities.

When your foster children become successful in life do not try to make them pay for the help they received from you.

If they wish to appreciate you, let it be their initiative. Do not make them do it. Some will prefer to help the parents who abandoned them earlier on; some will stick to the foster parents. Whatever the case may be, consider that you did what you thought best for them and that God alone can reward you. Do not squeeze it out of anyone.

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And you, foster kids, do not make life any harder for your foster parents. Cooperate. You are family.

 

 

 

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