HEALING BROKEN HEARTS AND WOUNDED SOULS

Posts tagged ‘change’

I choose to walk away

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I choose to walk away

Away from the past, its hurts, pains and shame

I choose to walk away from the choices I made in the past

Choices that seemed so logical and beneficial

I opt for change, the willingness to embrace the future I do not yet see

I choose to part with my own understanding, the one that let me into that mess

I will depart from myself, the self that I trusted but got disappointed.

I’ve discovered a new me, a me that so pleases me

And I won’t let anything take that away from me.

 

 

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Are you ready?

If you are still very comfortable with your present condition,

Then you are not qualified for your next level.

Discontent qualifies you for action

Desire motivates you for change.

The year of the Narc.

Yes, I’ll call it the year of the Narc because he had his year in my life.

He came in, got what he wanted and walked away leaving me in utter shreds. He knew how to go about his business with tact and expertise. He bombed into my life like a meteor, showed me paradise and then took it away before I had the time to take a second bite. I was the queen of the season, the most sought after, the one and only desirable…then  I began to dream big dreams and to see a great future, but like the mirage he’s always been, he vanished into the distance, leaving me in a state of despair to figure out for myself what the hell was going on in my world.

Then one day I stumbled on a blog that had everything to say about narcissists. I began to understand why I’ve always felt so lonely, not good enough; why I compromised so much and got so little; why  I was called names, mocked and despised no matter how much effort I put in. I understood why he will choose to stay away for months when we had a hard talk; why he will continue to stay away even when I cried, begged, repented and promised to change just for him. (I stopped worshiping God and worshiped him instead)

But all this while he knew what he was up to. While I was perplexed and bewildered, he was playing his game and having fun. While I spent sleepless nights he was out there probably with “new supply”. Yes, Kim Saeed, your blog saved my life.

I went for “no contact”; failed once, twice and then thrice…because I kept thinking of the golden days and the possibility of having them back.

But one day I decided I’d had enough of tears for breakfast, lunch and supper. I took the great leap for good. That’s why I can now tell the story. That’s why I now help other women to see the light and leave the dark.

It was the year of the Narc. But God kept me through it so I can tell this story today. Narcissism is a terrible thing to endure. It hurts to the deepest parts of your being. Run for your life and let God help them if He would.

This is my experience during twelve months of hell on earth. I hope you never have to live there too.

It takes courage and much more…

When you’ve been abused, mistreated, used and dumped

It takes courage, the willingness to forgive

And the desire to live again

To give out your heart another time.

That’s why we must never exert pressure on people

To open up their hearts to us.

We deserve openness and genuineness in every relationship

But we must give people the time to change,

To heal and to willingly open up again.

Trying to force it out of them can be counter  productive

NO matter how much you love them and want to be with them

Just be gentle enough to let them loosen up naturally and at a  pace

That is comfortable for them.

They may really be in love,

But still needing time to get on the rails

Do not be impatient when they seem reticent

Let the rose unfold naturally.

Love and Blessing, Gretiana

 

Change does not always bring change until you decide to change

These thoughts are based strictly on my own experiences and what I’ve observed in our society today.

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Prison does not take away criminality. It is the decision we take while in prison that will change us.

Having kids will not make me love children. If I love them first I will love them better when I  get in there.

Getting married does not make us mature and responsible. It could become an avenue for us to prove our immaturity and irresponsibility.

Changing the man at the top won’t solve the bankruptcy unless you understand what caused it in the first place.

Marriage can’t heal me from lust, frivolousness and unfaithfulness or porn. I must decide to “deal with it”.

Getting a new partner won’t heal the old wounds. I better get healed before I make Peter pay for what Paul did.

Cutting a tree at the trunk won’t kill it. Get to the roots, roll your sleeves and dig.

I hope I didn’t mess up your case. This post is addressed to me too, you know.

THE DREAM

The dream I carry is so big, so vast, so deep…I’m frightened by the sheer size of it.

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When I think about it I feel like giving up… “This is too much for me Lord; can’t you find someone else to do it?”

But when I think of where God took me (from the pit), When I think of how far we’ve come together, somehow I find the courage to go on.

He didn’t bring me this far just to abandon me here. He never starts a project that He doesn’t intend to finish.

It is not just my dream…it is His dream. He communicated it to me. I do not need to pay for it from my own pocket. He will sponsor His dream because it is about His Kingdom.

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I am convinced that in the end I will have reason to celebrate. Those who trust in Him shall not be put to shame.

It won’t go away.

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She was the only one in the family who never went to college; she was the only one who had an abortion and had a baby out of wedlock. She alone got divorced and brought shame to the reputable family name. She also had an issue with drugs and hung out with the wrong company.

Her siblings and lived in a world very different from the one she knew. Her parents were embarrassed by her attitude and wondered who could have brought such a strange seed into the family blood line.

Then to put the final icing on the cake, she left home. If she ever thought this will break the heart of her parents then she was very wrong. Her departure was a welcome relief. ‘The plague that soiled the family name was finally wiped off.’ No one missed her; no one cried that evening when everyone came back from church and realized her stuff was gone; she too.

Years later, a shadow was seen in the distance approaching the house with cautious and calculated steps. The autumn sunset could not hide the deep contemplative expression on her face. The front door opened; she could not find it in herself to smile at the faces and eyes that seemed to see through her. But the expression on those faces didn’t encourage her in that direction either.

“Mama, I came back…I’ve changed mama…I’m no longer the same person who left home. I want to be part of the family again….”

The look on mama’s face told her to stop it. She wasn’t welcome back home. She could stay, but she wasn’t welcome.

She had changed indeed. She had put some order in her life. She had swept under the carpet, emptied her closet and dusted the platforms; but for some reason her past kept haunting her. No one wanted to believe in the new version of her. That same cold look on their faces.

Her presence in the house forced a new regime and lifestyle on other members of the family. ‘Don’t leave your purse carelessly around. Lock your room when you go out…’the list goes on.

How she longed to be seen as a normal person. How she yearned to be just another child, mama’s child. Who saw the tears she cried in secret, praying and hoping that they will see how much she had laid down and how much more she had taken up on the road of self-realization.

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“If I could just be forgiven, accepted, loved and trusted then I will show them how much I’ve learned and how much more and want to learn.”

She has changed; she has become a Christian. But for some reason, neither church nor family dare give her a second chance. So where does she go from here?

Those who have given up on you will soon start rewriting their journal entries. Be faithful on the good path you have chosen and do not quit in the face of adversity.

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