Admire people who have been through a lot and still keep their head up. Head Up! Even though you are going through a tough time. This is a must attitude during healing journey. Image credit : Pixabay – PublicDomainPictures
via Quote of the day # 17 : Head Up — Rebellious Scapegoat
December 13th; a long awaited day; an anticipated day. How I longed to join the list of my predecessors who had sat on tables and signed out book; their books, their own creation, a piece of themselves given out to the readership.
The day came and went, but alas! New reality was about to hit me in the face.
I love meeting with God outdoors. The trees, the flowers, the butterflies, the green grass, the fresh breeze…there’s something about these that just draw me so close to my Maker, my Creator.
But on this fateful day I wasn’t basking in His love as usual. I wasn’t sitting there, awe-stricken by the beauty of His creation. I was looking for something to hold onto. I was worried. I needed validation from the one in whose name I’d done what I did.
“Lord, are you also ashamed of me?”
“Why are they looking at me like that? Why are my friends avoiding me? Why the weird look on their faces? Why are they “unfriending” me on Face book? Why do my own family relations desire to ask me questions after reading those books, Lord?
Did I say things that hurt them? Did I give away too much of myself? Was I too transparent? Lord, why are they ashamed to identify with me now?
Lord, are you also ashamed of me? Are you ashamed of me because I said too much about the messes, failures, frailties and struggles of my past?
I wish I hadn’t added that little detail. I wish I’d kept this one secret. How I hate myself for having talked about that thing I did. I shouldn’t have exposed what they did to me”
Genuinely speaking, I was full of regret about lots of things I’d said in those books.
The great testimonies I got from some of my readers couldn’t compensate for the strange reactions I was receiving from close friends and relations. I was beaten down by shame and regret. I’d given away too much and it was too late to take it back.
At least that’s how I felt that day.
I really thought God must be very ashamed of me for exposing my past messiness and bringing dishonor to His HOLY NAME.
Then, came the lever out of hell. These are the words I wrote in my journal that day:
“What matters to me is not the size of my bank account, how beautiful and admired I am, how accepted I am. What matters to me is making a difference in people’s lives.
What is the use of having a bank account that’s full to the brim or a spotless name when you can’t give hope to desperate people around you? I won’t hold back or run now? I won’t fear to speak out. I can’t disown my past.
My past is my ministry and my ministry is my past. To disown my past is to disown my ministry and I can’t do that. I’ll rather be rejected and ostracized than shut up and watch people perish.
God has called me to use my past as a message to pull people out of their mess. I’m proud to be a world-changer, a person whose contribution is making the world a better place for us all”.
The Lord spoke to me. He held me in His arms and told me He was proud of me because I’d accepted to lay down my pride, dignity and name for the lost. It’s a sacrifice, a bitter and embarrassing sacrifice. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.
Jesus showed us the example by accepting the shame of the CROSS. Will you lay down your name, fame, gain, pride and dignity in order to put a smile on that tear-stained face?
God is asking you today.
Have you ever had to ask yourself this question? Especially when the hell you’re going through doesn’t look like anything positive can possibly come out of there?
Before I met my narcissist partner I was all insecurity, low self-esteem, low self-confidence….and all the lows you can imagine.
In fact I really felt so bad about myself; when he came love-bombing me I thought I’ve got the lever out of hell. He made me feel like a queen. But then, the bomb fell. He showed his hidden colors.
It was like I’d been taken up Mount Everest and then let down to crash into the rocks down the valley. I was in a worse state than he met me. Then I thought “If I do what he wants, he’ll stay and be the man he used to be”. All my efforts where but in vain.
Then the therapy started. I started searching for help; what kind of man can possible do this to a woman. Then I discovered narcissism. I studied it; I dissected it and labeled its parts. And then I knew the disease I’ve been suffering from.
When the diagnosis is correct, there is hope yet for the victim.
I’ve been on the healing journey and I just want to let the world know this;
He took me up Mount Everest and let me come crashing down. Once I had my back on the ground, I had no other option but to start a slow but steady climb to victory. I love the new me; I just love it here where I am.
Thank you Mr. narcissist. What you meant for evil, God has turned it for my good.
It’s a season for me to reflect,
To look back and reflect on the distance we have covered together,
Since that day You took me by the hand
And showed me there is more to life than pain and shame.
Gentle Lord and Savior,
I’m so blessed to be yours, and for ever,
I pledge my eternal allegiance and loyalty,
My love and submission to your will.
But there will be days when it seems hard to take the narrow road,
Yet you have promised never to leave me nor forsake me,
With this promise I look to future with hope,
For faithful are You to bring me home save to you.
Yes, I’ll call it the year of the Narc because he had his year in my life.
He came in, got what he wanted and walked away leaving me in utter shreds. He knew how to go about his business with tact and expertise. He bombed into my life like a meteor, showed me paradise and then took it away before I had the time to take a second bite. I was the queen of the season, the most sought after, the one and only desirable…then I began to dream big dreams and to see a great future, but like the mirage he’s always been, he vanished into the distance, leaving me in a state of despair to figure out for myself what the hell was going on in my world.
Then one day I stumbled on a blog that had everything to say about narcissists. I began to understand why I’ve always felt so lonely, not good enough; why I compromised so much and got so little; why I was called names, mocked and despised no matter how much effort I put in. I understood why he will choose to stay away for months when we had a hard talk; why he will continue to stay away even when I cried, begged, repented and promised to change just for him. (I stopped worshiping God and worshiped him instead)
But all this while he knew what he was up to. While I was perplexed and bewildered, he was playing his game and having fun. While I spent sleepless nights he was out there probably with “new supply”. Yes, Kim Saeed, your blog saved my life.
I went for “no contact”; failed once, twice and then thrice…because I kept thinking of the golden days and the possibility of having them back.
But one day I decided I’d had enough of tears for breakfast, lunch and supper. I took the great leap for good. That’s why I can now tell the story. That’s why I now help other women to see the light and leave the dark.
It was the year of the Narc. But God kept me through it so I can tell this story today. Narcissism is a terrible thing to endure. It hurts to the deepest parts of your being. Run for your life and let God help them if He would.
This is my experience during twelve months of hell on earth. I hope you never have to live there too.
Are you living in captivity? Are you a captive to drugs, poverty, depression, disease…Do you feel like God has given up on you?
Does it seem like no deliverance is forth coming because you have considered and examined all the possibilities and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel?
Guess what? You’ve not considered all the possibilities yet. Someone is holding that trump card you need. I’ll tell you a story.
Israel is in captivity in Babylon. There seems to be no hope for them because God Himself has sent them away from the Promise Land.
Will they ever return home some day? Is there any hope of ever worshiping again from the Holy Temple?
All this while, God’s plan is in progress.
At the appointed time God stirs up the heart of a heathen king who then “orders” that the captives be released so they can go rebuild the temple and again offer up sacrifices to the God of heaven. Ezra the scribe and his brethren get to work as if in a dream.
So stop asking yourself how it’s going to happen. The ways of God are truly mysterious. You never can tell where the next miracle is coming from.
Only believe and refuse to quit.
No matter the pit wherein you are
No matter the dungeon that holds your soul in captivity
I don’t know what chains do bind your hope for tomorrow
I don’t know what has wiped off laughter from your face
But this I know and so I share.
Decide.
Decide to be the one who makes me laugh
Decide to be the one with the best atttitude
Decide to be the generous one around
Decide you won’t curse even when you reek of it
Decide to cheer and comfort though you need it more
Decide you won’t return that angry look you just saw
Decide to give away that smile though it hurts to do
Decide to pray for someone you don’t like
Before you know you’ll soon be praying
Praying the sun should rise very quick
So you can go make the world a better place.
It’s easy to find purpose in life.
Gretiana
