Posts tagged ‘hurts’
I choose to walk away
Away from the past, its hurts, pains and shame
I choose to walk away from the choices I made in the past
Choices that seemed so logical and beneficial
I opt for change, the willingness to embrace the future I do not yet see
I choose to part with my own understanding, the one that let me into that mess
I will depart from myself, the self that I trusted but got disappointed.
I’ve discovered a new me, a me that so pleases me
And I won’t let anything take that away from me.
Yes, I’ll call it the year of the Narc because he had his year in my life.
He came in, got what he wanted and walked away leaving me in utter shreds. He knew how to go about his business with tact and expertise. He bombed into my life like a meteor, showed me paradise and then took it away before I had the time to take a second bite. I was the queen of the season, the most sought after, the one and only desirable…then I began to dream big dreams and to see a great future, but like the mirage he’s always been, he vanished into the distance, leaving me in a state of despair to figure out for myself what the hell was going on in my world.
Then one day I stumbled on a blog that had everything to say about narcissists. I began to understand why I’ve always felt so lonely, not good enough; why I compromised so much and got so little; why I was called names, mocked and despised no matter how much effort I put in. I understood why he will choose to stay away for months when we had a hard talk; why he will continue to stay away even when I cried, begged, repented and promised to change just for him. (I stopped worshiping God and worshiped him instead)
But all this while he knew what he was up to. While I was perplexed and bewildered, he was playing his game and having fun. While I spent sleepless nights he was out there probably with “new supply”. Yes, Kim Saeed, your blog saved my life.
I went for “no contact”; failed once, twice and then thrice…because I kept thinking of the golden days and the possibility of having them back.
But one day I decided I’d had enough of tears for breakfast, lunch and supper. I took the great leap for good. That’s why I can now tell the story. That’s why I now help other women to see the light and leave the dark.
It was the year of the Narc. But God kept me through it so I can tell this story today. Narcissism is a terrible thing to endure. It hurts to the deepest parts of your being. Run for your life and let God help them if He would.
This is my experience during twelve months of hell on earth. I hope you never have to live there too.
Do you dread speaking out about some of the things that have happened to you? You do not need to carry that secret load alone all your life. These are some of the fears that keep people in their dark silent prison for years.
- Perhaps God is already angry with me and if I go ahead to talk about it He will reject me.
Jesus came for the lost, the last and the least (Matthew 9:12). God did not wait for you to be worthy before He sent Jesus to die for you.
- If I told somebody, they will laugh at me for having been so dumb and stupid.
The fact is every body has done dumb things at least once in life and the person laughing at you may be having their own skeletons in the cupboard.
Jesus came for the lost, the last and the least (Matthew 9:12). God loves you even when you are still in your mess (Romans 5:8).
- I might be rejected by my family and friends
Well, anyone who will not accept your past is not qualified to access your future. God is taking you somewhere; do not let that ancient load hold you back.
- I do not want to think about it.
The ostrich option has never worked for any one. The monster you face is the monster you will overcome. Look at that thing in the face and tell it “I am too anointed to keep running away from you. I hail from the Lion of the tribe of Judah.
- I don’t want to lose my hard-earned reputation.
You better speak out with the right perspective before someone tells your story for you with a distorted view. Lasting reputation comes from God and He gives it without consulting the ancient file. I have worn masked in my life and I tell you they are not comfortable at all.
- I will be stigmatized and ostracized by my community etc.
Yes, I do not make light of that fact. It can be hard. But sometimes we just have to choose to be the pioneer and face the consequences. By speaking out, you are giving a voice to thousands of others in your generation and the generations to come.
But this is the advice I can give. If you want to share and you are not sure you have had the emotional healing you need, you will have to carefully choose the person you share with. It could help to share with mature and responsible people, God-fearing people who can handle your situation responsibly. This is because if you are still hurting and you go share with people who will want to use it to hurt you the more, it could really make the wounds more painful. Those who are already healed will not mind what anybody does with that information because when Jesus heals you He immunizes you against further hurts.