HEALING BROKEN HEARTS AND WOUNDED SOULS

Posts tagged ‘relationships’

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You have a choice

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More of you and less of yours

I need your heart more than your purse.

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I need your presence more than you check.

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I need your love more than your money.

HARD TO PLEASE? DEAL WITH IT NOW.

When I look back on my life I discover that the time I was the hardest to please coincides with the time I hated myself the most. What is the relationship between these two realities?

If you do not like yourself, nobody else will be able to make you do it and you will be rather hard to please. Why do people hate themselves so?

  1. Long exposure to negative feedback. When people keep hitting it home that you are no good, you could end up accepting it and that will define the way you see yourself.
  2. Lack of positive feedback and appreciation for efforts you invest. When no one ever tells you it was well done you could start thinking you never do anything worth encouraging.
  3. Your best efforts always seem to produce the most mediocre results. You must find out what you are good at and excel therein. You can’t get your best grades in an area you are not gifted in.
  4. The kind of things that happened to you in the past. You might have messed up much too often. But remember, we all do mess up sometimes.
  5. Disabilities that make you look and feel different. This could be very tough, but not impossible to overcome. You need God’s grace for this one. God can enable you to love yourself in spite of any disability you carry.

                                                                                                                                                          

When faced with self-hatred, we must not blame anyone for our condition. This will only lead to bitterness and that is not good either, for our emotional stability.

It will be an error to try to use our relationships as a means of finding happiness. Strive to get happy as an individual. If you want to get it out of others you might become too demanding and more difficult to please.

Don’t use other people’s successes and achievements as a means to your own happiness. They might no longer be there tomorrow and you will find yourself sinking even lower.

From my own experience I can tell you that getting a lot of stuff around you doesn’t help. A new house, a new car etc. will help you but only for a season.

Ask yourself if you can really be happy if all the stuff were taken away from you. If the answer is yes, then you are happy indeed, or let me say you are experiencing joy.

What do I do then?

  • Ask God to show you your intrinsic value. There is something about you that when you discover you will begin to sing, and then you will never stop singing ever.
  • Develop your potentials and become a blessing to others. There is great joy in giving. When you live your life helping others you will hardly get depressed.
  • Find out your weaknesses and accept them. Stop trying to wipe away your weaknesses by your efforts. If you fail you could become more depressed. Acknowledge them, bring them to God and leave them there.
  • Read the kind of books that will build up your self-image. Avoid going to places and being with people that speak negativity, that always try to bring you down.

Be happy apart from them, then you will be happy with them.

When you get into a relationship it should be to share what you have, not to get what you want.

TOO EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED? IT’S TIME TO GET GOING.

Life is made up of times and seasons. We are called upon to move on from one place, situation and level to another. This will happen to each one of us from time to time. There are moments of transition and there are new challenges and targets to handle all the times.

We can’t grow, make progress or even succeed in life if we get stuck in one position.
The problem with people like me is that we often get too emotionally attached to some situations that are meant to be only temporary; a job, a mentor, a habitation etc. It becomes difficult to let go and keep going when it’s time to break camp and advance.

In my own experience, God has dealt with this issue in my life in a number of ways:
A. He sometimes provokes a conflict that will then end up kicking me out of my comfort zone.
B. He sometimes incites people to reject and hate me outright. This is usually when I insist on holding unto a dead end- a relationship that has come to its natural end.
c. I have had situations where I was moved to hate an environment; this as preparation for me to move to a new location. Isn’t it amazing that the things that you loved and cherished yesterday have become simply unbearable to you today? Perhaps it’s time to move on.

 Now, let’s be very careful here. There are things you are not permitted to move on from. You can’t just move on from your marriage, spouse and kids because you no longer feel like staying on. You will be hurting a whole lot of people and bringing more disorder and pain in society. You can’t move on from your assignment because things have become too tough. God calls us for life, not for ‘as long as it feels good’.

 Sometimes the movement is not necessarily physical. It might be emotional or psychological; you may have to stop engaging in a certain activity, dressing in a particular style or treating someone in a particular manner. For instance, when your children become adolescents you move on from the way to used to talk to them when they were just little kids.

 Remember, there is no promotion without movement (physical or mental). If you resist moving on when it is the time to do so you could miss out on what God wants to do in your life for that season. You could then be stuck on one spot all your life.
On your marks, get set, move…

The dilemma of a foster parent.

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I will like to examine an issue that touches so many lives in our society and families. It is the situation of receiving foster children into our homes and caring for them.

It’s a very good thing to receive foster children into our homes and to love and care for them.But the challenges could become overwhelming.

will like to examine some issues I’ve learned from this kind of relationship based on my own experiences.

I know how some foster parents will go the extra mile to show how much they love their foster kids, but at the end of it, all they seem to get is “if my mum were here she would do better.” I admit it’s not easy to swallow that pill after you’ve done all you can to make their life comfortable. “If only she could show a little more appreciation for all we are doing for her.”

Let’s see it this way:

 

No matter how good you are as a foster parent, you will “never” be able to replace a child’s biological parents. Do not even try to give yourself that impossible task. In my part of the world we say “blood is thicker than water.” No matter how hard you try, somewhere deep down there that child keeps thinking of what she is missing out on by being away from home. Some of them actually think that life has conspired to keep them away from their parents; and you are one of the conspirators.

There will always be regrets related to a child leaving their home, even if they were abused there.

I’ve seen a some of them really integrate into their foster homes with satisfaction because they have been rescued from precarious situations. But if your own child doesn’t fit that way, don’t lose hope.

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What we should know is that some of those kids don’t even know what is wrong with them. They know that you love them and that you are doing everything to make them happy; but somehow they just can’t find that happiness. There seems to always be something missing. That missing link is the absence of that “kind of love that only their momma and daddy can give to them.”

This is a situation that creates a lot of misunderstanding between the two camps. The foster parents think the child is ungrateful while the child thinks they aren’t doing enough. The issue here is more psychological than emotional. This becomes even more complicated when children are against their will forced to live in foster conditions because of the circumstances of their lives. “Prison is prison…no matter how comfortable it gets.”

If you are a foster parent, this is the advice I can give to you:

Try as much as you can not to show to your foster kids that you are keeping them against your will. “I wish I could get rid of you one of these days.”

This can create in them a sense of rejection that will haunt them all their lives. Even when they become adults they could avoid visiting and staying in other people’s homes because they are haunted by the idea of not being welcome. They could find it difficult to appreciate hospitality because no matter how well you receive them they are too busy fearing the worse, to appreciate the good food, nice shower and comfortable bed you offered them.

Be honest and transparent enough to let them know that you aren’t trying to replace their parents; you really can’t do so even if you wanted to, and that you are doing your best to keep them comfortable; even it you can’t do it as their parents would.

Never devalue their biological parents in their face.

 

Do not say or do things that seem to suggest you have no respect for their biological parents. Again I say, “blood is thicker than water.” “Even if my mum is insane, she’s still my mum…if my father is a drug-addict, he’s still my dad. You are rich, you are educated, but you can’t replace my parents…” That’s how they will respond; at least in their minds, if they aren’t courageous enough to tell you that in your face.

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Do not compare your foster children to your biological kids.

“You’re not as intelligent as Suzy…you aren’t as smart as Benny.” We must admit that the play ground is not level. On one hand we have children who already feel as “unders” because of their circumstances and everything they do is somehow colored by that reality. Then we have another set of kids who feel on top because of their own circumstances. Some foster kids feel rejected and can’t really relate or fit in. consequently they do some “stupid things”, not because they are stupid but because of the mind set they carry. The more you scold such kids, the more errors they commit. Don’t let it become a vicious cycle.

Do not make the foster kids servants to the biological ones; make sure your own kids do not subject them to unfair treatment because they are not their siblings.

So many wrong things could be going on under your roof without you being aware of them. Keep an eye on the kind of relationship that exists between your kids and your foster children. Immediately correct any irregularities.

When your foster children become successful in life do not try to make them pay for the help they received from you.

If they wish to appreciate you, let it be their initiative. Do not make them do it. Some will prefer to help the parents who abandoned them earlier on; some will stick to the foster parents. Whatever the case may be, consider that you did what you thought best for them and that God alone can reward you. Do not squeeze it out of anyone.

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And you, foster kids, do not make life any harder for your foster parents. Cooperate. You are family.

 

 

 

I FEEL EMPTY AFTER IT ALL

Life can feel very empty at times and people are constantly looking for ways to fill the emptiness in their lives. In spite of all their efforts to live fulfilled lives, they keep coming up against that concrete wall of frustration.

Have you been thinking been asking yourself what is the essence of life? Perhaps life makes no sense to you. You are seeking for the happiness you see in others and you desperately want some joy. Your hopes have suddenly vanished in a car accident, a fire incidence or a job loss. Are you mourning the death of a dear one? Are you tired of congratulating others and never being congratulated in return? Perhaps you have all the things that you think can make you happy, yet that nagging feeling of emptiness remains.

You have tried drugs and alcohol as a means of drowning your hopelessness; you have on porn and indiscriminate sexual relationships but no cure. Maybe you tried sports and clubs, shopping sprees and lavish spending to get fame and a name. You even tried religion too. You have been to church, to the mosque and you are meditated with Buddhists in monasteries on hill tops.

I have good news for you. Stop trying to fix it all alone. You do not have to carry that burden alone. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 to bring all your cares, worries, frustrations and fears to Him. Such a load is too heavy for you; He has a lighter load and an easier burden for you. Hand it over to Him and watch Him replace it with peace, joy and a new desire to reach for the moon. Give your broken pieces to the potter and He will know what quality of vessel to bring out of it.

Make up your mind to go beyond religion. Go for relationship. You cannot get peace and joy from the respect of man-made laws and rituals. A once-in-a-while stop over in church will not help you. Go deeper with God and know His will for your life. Read His Word (the Bible) and know what He has in store for you. Then hold onto it, believe it and confess it and you will see it come to pass in your life.

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