HEALING BROKEN HEARTS AND WOUNDED SOULS

Posts tagged ‘self-esteem’

What good can possibly come out of this hell hole?

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Have you ever had to ask yourself this question? Especially when the hell you’re going through doesn’t look like anything positive can possibly come out of there?

Before I met my narcissist partner I was all insecurity, low self-esteem, low self-confidence….and all the lows you can imagine.

In fact I really felt so bad about myself; when he came love-bombing me I thought I’ve got the lever out of hell. He made me feel like a queen. But then, the bomb fell. He showed his hidden colors.

It was like I’d been taken up Mount Everest and then let down to crash into the rocks down the valley. I was in a worse state than he met me. Then I thought “If I do what he wants, he’ll stay and be the man he used to be”. All my efforts where but in vain.

Then the therapy started. I started searching for help; what kind of man can possible do this to a woman. Then I discovered narcissism. I studied it; I dissected it and labeled its parts. And then I knew the disease I’ve been suffering from.

When the diagnosis is correct, there is hope yet for the victim.

I’ve been on the healing journey and I just want to let the world know this;

  • I’ve been healed of more than just the narcissistic abuse. Learning to get over it has helped me to build my self-confidence, self-worth and a sense of purpose and direction in life.
  • I know what I want and I’m ready to go for it. I won’t settle for less.
  • I’ve learned to take care of myself: feeding, dressing, relationships, relaxation…I really feel stronger and more confident than ever before.

He took me up Mount Everest and let me come crashing down. Once I had my back on the ground, I had no other option but to start a slow but steady climb to victory. I love the new me; I just love it here where I am.

Thank you Mr. narcissist. What you meant for evil, God has turned it for my good.

What gives us value as individuals?

What you own?

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Who you are related to?

Who you are married to?

The name you’ve made for yourself?

If you do not value yourself as an individual, these things won’t make you feel better about yourself.

And if you happen to lose them they will take along any sense of self-esteem and value you had.

It’s important you discover your intrinsic value. Nothing can take that away from you.

How do you go about that?

  • Know that you are a unique individual possessing innate beauty, talent and purpose.
  • You are a masterpiece with no duplicate on planet earth. No one can be you. You have “a something” that no other individual possesses. Discover it.
  • Ask God to reveal to you how He feels about you; what He thinks about you. This revelation will make you want to stand on a roof top and shout “Look at me”.

You will forget about your defects and inabilities.

You’ll begin to minimize and finally overcome man’s negative opinion about you.

 My personal diary has entries about some sweet things God has told me about me. I know how God sees me, What He thinks about me.

That is why in spite of my numerous weaknesses and defects, “Words can’t put me down”.

 

HOW I DISCOVERED MY CALLING AND PURPOSE (My Testimony)

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This post is in response to a request from a fellow blogger and reader based on the last post I published titled “Why I got out of bed this morning”. In this post I said my life took a completely new turn (a positive turn) when God showed me my purpose.

My fellow blogger wanted me to share my experience; how I came to discover my purpose. I will just give a run down of how it all started up till this moment.

The early part of my life was littered with verbal, sexual and physical abuse. I’ve known rejection, disease and acute poverty. This to me was the normal since I didn’t have access to another kind of life.

Due to these conditions I became an adolescent and young woman who suffered immensely from low self-esteem, inferiority complex and insecurities. I hated myself, and the kind of choices I made later in life simply confirmed my state of mind. I became frustrated by my choices and the inability of others to understand what I was going through.

I gave my life to Christ while studying to become a professional teacher. I came to Christ with a heavy load of troubles. My life was meaningless and dirty in my own very eyes.

Although I was envied by many for my academic success, I hated myself so much.

Once in the church, things did not get right immediately. There was a battle for my soul. God had rescued me but the devil wanted me so badly. This opened up the avenue for constant spiritual warfare. Very early on in my Christian journey I learned how to fast, pray and rebuke evil spirits (They were all over me).

I had to seek solutions, and I sought them wherever I thought possible. I attended crusades, bought books and tapes, asked to be prayed for and then fasted and prayed on my own. But this didn’t prove to be the magic wand I expected.

Little did I know that God had destined me to be His servant and that all what I was going through was part of the training for ministry. Sometimes I thought God didn’t care about me. I then wanted to die. I really wanted to end the stress and trauma because that is all my life comprised of.

During the early stages of my conversion I began to have these “strange” dreams and visions wherein I found myself ministering prayer, healing and deliverance to people. I later understood through the teachings I was exposed to that God was showing me my calling. At that stage I didn’t understand much of it.

Also, I once heard a sermon that really shook the foundation of my Christianity and pushed me to seek God deeper. The preacher challenged Christians to stop being those who “sit and watch” while others serve in the church.

I must admit that I didn’t like the way he described those of us who were not in active service in God’s house. I felt a holy anger in me that sent me on my knees asking God what He wanted me to do in His house.

I attended foundation classes for new converts. There, I learned the difference between general service and specialized service. The former is for those who do not yet know their particular area of calling and the latter is for those who already know exactly what God has called them to do.

I was challenged and I began to serve in the church. I have served with the cleaners, the hospitality team; I’ve been a Sunday school teacher, an intercessor, the intercessors’ leader, a member of the women’s ministry among others. Then one day when Pastor was transferred I was asked to assume the interim until a new Pastor was sent to the church.

I learned a lot in these various capacities. This general service established my foundation as a Christian and gave me a base for ministry.

As I continued serving in the church and spending time in intimacy with God He began to show me my area of specialization. This was facilitated by the books I read, tapes I listened to, sermons I heard, other men and women of God I observed, prophecy, and then seminars and workshops I attended.

I never missed any opportunity to attend conferences and seminars even if I had to forgo other needs just to afford the transportation I needed. I was hungry for more of God and He honored my hunger with deeper knowledge about Himself and His call on my life. I always came back from the events enriched and refreshed.

But I still had issues. Only gradually did God take them away one at a time.

I’ll like to cite a few of the resources which among others really helped me during my search.

  1. Your season is getting ready to change by Pastor Paula White (tape).
  2. The Assignment, the Dream and the Destiny by Dr. Mike Murdock (book).
  3. Maximize Your Potential by Dr. Myles Monroe (book).
  4. Tough Times Never Last, but tough people do by Dr. Robert Schuller (book).
  5. The confident woman by Joyce Meyer (book).

I accessed other numerous resources by servants of God like Bishop T.D. Jakes, Arch Bishop Benson Idahosa, just to name these few. (I’ve read a mountain of books and I’ve bought a great number of tapes. I’ve been to so many conferences and I’ve sat down to talk to not a few servants of God).

In the end God made me to understand that He let me go through hell so that I would help others come out of hell. I’m a survivor called to reach out to others and help them survive.

But in all these, God’s grace has been superabundant in my life. I owe it all to His mercy and favor.

If not for His grace, there’s no other reason why I should be alive today.

What I can say is that it takes patience, intimacy with God, the willingness to learn, to sacrifice and endurance, when things seem to go directly opposite to what God had promised you through dreams, visions, prophecy and especially His own Word, the Bible.

I’m still searching and I’m still learning. I agree with the Apostle Paul:

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).

I hope and pray someone is inspired by this resume of my testimony to seek God more and to get to know Him in a deeper dimension.

You are blessed in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

 

THROW OFF THE CLOAK OF REJECTION

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There are behavioral patterns that are set in motion when one has had to suffer rejection of any kind. You might not even be aware of it but they stick to you and stick out their heads in your daily activities.

But it is possible to live a normal life without carrying that cloak around. Victims of rejection could manifest some or all of these behavioral patterns.

  • They suffer from low self-esteem. They think there is something lacking in their lives; that they are not worthy and that is why they were rejected in the first place.
  • There is an internal emptiness and pain as they yearn to be considered “normal” but all they get is prejudice. Every human being, no matter how bad yearns to belong and be loved.
  • People who have suffered rejection could easily become men-pleasers in an attempt to be accepted by them. They could become too good or too bad depending on the demands of the group they want to belong to.
  • It can lead to anti-social behavior. They could join groups or gangs that engage in anti-social behavior as a way of lashing out at the society that has rejected them.
  • Some of the victims tend to search for love and acceptance in the wrong places; they could end up in promiscuous behavior and even prostitution. This then leads to abusive relationships and the vicious circle of rejection starts all over.
  • Even when they become Christians they want to earn God’s love and acceptance. They may engage in some form of penitence and activism thinking it will make God love them more. They feel unworthy before God and are constantly afraid of being rejected by Him even for the minutest mistakes they make.
  • They are afraid to ask God for big things thinking they are asking for too much from a God who might just be coping with them.

What is the way out of such a trap? I do not have a magic formula but I will share some of the things that helped me get over the rejection syndrome in my life.

  • Make a conscious decision to throw off that cloak of rejection just as Bartimaus threw off his beggar’s cloak. Let it be clear to you that no matter how bad people say you are there is an unexploited treasure deep within you. You have gifts, talents and qualities that no one has ever discovered. It is possible that the rejection you suffered is just one of the satanic strategies meant to keep you from ever reaching your full potential in life. Do not believe his lies; you are not useless because God created no useless person.
  • Stop listening to people’s opinion about you and start learning about who God says you are. This has had the greatest and most influential impact on my life. When I was growing up I heard a lot of abusive words that made me feel rejected and estranged. They created a very negative self-image in me. It took the word of God to delete them from my mind and to reprogram my mind according to who God says I am. That is when the suicidal thoughts vanished because I had found my worth in Christ.
  • Avoid the trap of banding yourself with people with similar problems as a way of finding comfort and consolation. A man can only give what he has. They will speak and act just what is in them and you do not want to get dragged deeper into it. Read inspirational books, attend some motivational conferences and hang out with motivated people. If you must join a group, it should be one that helps people get out of such issues.
  • Discover and develop your gifts and talents. The day I started discovering my gifts and talents everything changed. I no longer felt like a useless consumer of the resources on planet earth. I felt like a contributor. I had something some one needed and this completely changed the way I saw myself. Everyone is gifted and the fact that you are not yet using your gift to bless others does not mean it is not there. You might not be like that great preacher or singer but you might have that ability to make people laugh. Start making people laugh and before you know it you will be in demand, and then the perfume of rejection will vanish from your life.

In need of emotional healing? What are some of the signs?

When you think of the past you are full of shame, regret, anger and bitterness. You try not to think about it.

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  • You confess you have forgiven them but you just can’t get the scenes out of you mind. You keep having painful flashbacks.
  • You hurt other people consciously or unconsciously and then you cry later on, or simply regret why you did it in the first place.
  • It is unbearable for you to stand the sight of those who are going through what you have been through. They are a mirror where you see your own pain.
  • You find it difficult to be compassionate to those going through the same pain you have been through. You cannot give to others what you do not have.
  • No matter how much love and care you receive from others you complain and accuse others for not caring or for wanting to hurt you. You feel insecure and you dread being hurt again.
  • You always try to attract attention to yourself and your needs and do not care about how others might feel. You are the centre of your own world.
  • You always suspect people are out to harm you, you hardly give people the benefit of the doubt and you are always trying to defend yourself even when no one really wants to hurt you.
  • You hate making mistakes and when they do happen you do all in your power to cover them up. You are afraid to lose some more self-esteem.
  • You can go extra lengths just to gain approval and appreciation even if you have to pay a very high cost for it.
  • You find it difficult to celebrate with achievers. You’d rather mourn with losers than celebrate with winners.

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If you currently find yourself in this condition, you are in need of emotional healing. You can’t go on like that. That is not how life was meant to be for you.

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