HEALING BROKEN HEARTS AND WOUNDED SOULS

Posts tagged ‘sexual abuse’

HOW I DISCOVERED MY CALLING AND PURPOSE (My Testimony)

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This post is in response to a request from a fellow blogger and reader based on the last post I published titled “Why I got out of bed this morning”. In this post I said my life took a completely new turn (a positive turn) when God showed me my purpose.

My fellow blogger wanted me to share my experience; how I came to discover my purpose. I will just give a run down of how it all started up till this moment.

The early part of my life was littered with verbal, sexual and physical abuse. I’ve known rejection, disease and acute poverty. This to me was the normal since I didn’t have access to another kind of life.

Due to these conditions I became an adolescent and young woman who suffered immensely from low self-esteem, inferiority complex and insecurities. I hated myself, and the kind of choices I made later in life simply confirmed my state of mind. I became frustrated by my choices and the inability of others to understand what I was going through.

I gave my life to Christ while studying to become a professional teacher. I came to Christ with a heavy load of troubles. My life was meaningless and dirty in my own very eyes.

Although I was envied by many for my academic success, I hated myself so much.

Once in the church, things did not get right immediately. There was a battle for my soul. God had rescued me but the devil wanted me so badly. This opened up the avenue for constant spiritual warfare. Very early on in my Christian journey I learned how to fast, pray and rebuke evil spirits (They were all over me).

I had to seek solutions, and I sought them wherever I thought possible. I attended crusades, bought books and tapes, asked to be prayed for and then fasted and prayed on my own. But this didn’t prove to be the magic wand I expected.

Little did I know that God had destined me to be His servant and that all what I was going through was part of the training for ministry. Sometimes I thought God didn’t care about me. I then wanted to die. I really wanted to end the stress and trauma because that is all my life comprised of.

During the early stages of my conversion I began to have these “strange” dreams and visions wherein I found myself ministering prayer, healing and deliverance to people. I later understood through the teachings I was exposed to that God was showing me my calling. At that stage I didn’t understand much of it.

Also, I once heard a sermon that really shook the foundation of my Christianity and pushed me to seek God deeper. The preacher challenged Christians to stop being those who “sit and watch” while others serve in the church.

I must admit that I didn’t like the way he described those of us who were not in active service in God’s house. I felt a holy anger in me that sent me on my knees asking God what He wanted me to do in His house.

I attended foundation classes for new converts. There, I learned the difference between general service and specialized service. The former is for those who do not yet know their particular area of calling and the latter is for those who already know exactly what God has called them to do.

I was challenged and I began to serve in the church. I have served with the cleaners, the hospitality team; I’ve been a Sunday school teacher, an intercessor, the intercessors’ leader, a member of the women’s ministry among others. Then one day when Pastor was transferred I was asked to assume the interim until a new Pastor was sent to the church.

I learned a lot in these various capacities. This general service established my foundation as a Christian and gave me a base for ministry.

As I continued serving in the church and spending time in intimacy with God He began to show me my area of specialization. This was facilitated by the books I read, tapes I listened to, sermons I heard, other men and women of God I observed, prophecy, and then seminars and workshops I attended.

I never missed any opportunity to attend conferences and seminars even if I had to forgo other needs just to afford the transportation I needed. I was hungry for more of God and He honored my hunger with deeper knowledge about Himself and His call on my life. I always came back from the events enriched and refreshed.

But I still had issues. Only gradually did God take them away one at a time.

I’ll like to cite a few of the resources which among others really helped me during my search.

  1. Your season is getting ready to change by Pastor Paula White (tape).
  2. The Assignment, the Dream and the Destiny by Dr. Mike Murdock (book).
  3. Maximize Your Potential by Dr. Myles Monroe (book).
  4. Tough Times Never Last, but tough people do by Dr. Robert Schuller (book).
  5. The confident woman by Joyce Meyer (book).

I accessed other numerous resources by servants of God like Bishop T.D. Jakes, Arch Bishop Benson Idahosa, just to name these few. (I’ve read a mountain of books and I’ve bought a great number of tapes. I’ve been to so many conferences and I’ve sat down to talk to not a few servants of God).

In the end God made me to understand that He let me go through hell so that I would help others come out of hell. I’m a survivor called to reach out to others and help them survive.

But in all these, God’s grace has been superabundant in my life. I owe it all to His mercy and favor.

If not for His grace, there’s no other reason why I should be alive today.

What I can say is that it takes patience, intimacy with God, the willingness to learn, to sacrifice and endurance, when things seem to go directly opposite to what God had promised you through dreams, visions, prophecy and especially His own Word, the Bible.

I’m still searching and I’m still learning. I agree with the Apostle Paul:

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).

I hope and pray someone is inspired by this resume of my testimony to seek God more and to get to know Him in a deeper dimension.

You are blessed in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

 

GO AHEAD AND LAUGH

This is a very unusual thing to say to anybody isn’t it? Not so when life has wiped off laughter from your mouth and you need to learn how to laugh again.

I met a man some time ago and we sat down to discuss about our Christian faith. I soon noticed that he had a very unusual way of laughing. When he laughed, he would cover his mouth with his hand and bend his head as if to hide his face and then he will laugh as though he were buying it in ounces. It was as if he was afraid to use too much of the scarce laughter available in the world. It was as though he didn’t have a right to it… he looked pathetic in his gestures.

When I got to investigate this phenomenon I soon realized this man has gone through so much in life that he had forgotten that laughter is a gift from God. To him, the good things of life, even things as natural and accessible as laughter were not his by right. unconsciously he wanted to apologize for using it. He laughed as though he was stealing someone’s laughter.

You may find this strange. You may be saying ” I am not like that, I can laugh freely … Let me find out from you. When you go to the market or the mall what section automatically attracts your attention? Do you always want to go for the cheap and the ugly even when the nice stuff is cheap and accessible? And when you finally find enough courage to go to the nice stuff you feel so unworthy of it and you  walk as though you are going where angels fear to tread. It is possible poverty has messed up your mind the way it did mine. If our man needs to learn how to laugh, you need to learn how to go for the good things in life.

I am a survivor, a survivor of sexual abuse, rejection, poverty and hatred. This started at birth right through to my teenage years. It really messed me up. When Jesus saved me and started teaching me through His word that I was not what the world said I was, it was not easy for me to accept my new identity in Christ. I have heard too many abusive words that simply programed me as a disaster waiting to happen.

Sexual abuse led to low self-esteem and no self-value. I did not have respect for my body, consequently I gave it away cheaply which led to more sexual abuse. You know the vicious cycle that follows. I was searching for love but from the wrong places due to the rejection I has suffered;  but all those men wanted was my body and nothing more. They did not care about my heart condition. I lived a secret life of fear, suspicion and mistrust because I always expected someone to hurt me. I became defensive in everything I did, becoming very tough and difficult to get along with. This led to more rejection since  no one understood the root of my problems. I lived a double kind of life.

Poverty messed me up too. When God started blessing me it was not easy for me to accept that I can have enough money in my pocket. Whenever it happened, I saw it as unusual and this pushed me to want to spend it all at once and  go back to my familiar state of poverty. I bought so much junk and cheap stuff it became a bore as it took up so much breathing space in my life. I just could not handle money.

Relationships were a nightmare. I just expected people to hurt, abuse and betray me as in the past, consequently I could not easily trust people. The worse of it is that even in the church were I expected to find solace, some unscrupulous brothers and sisters added some vinegar to my wounds. It took God Himself to wipe out the hurt. I learned the hard way to love everyone but to trust God alone because He alone is perfect.

Why am I saying all of this? It is not to provoke pity for me. God has healed my wounds already and is still committed to healing those I  will ever receive. I  want you to know that there is healing in Christ no matter what you have been through. Ask of God the divine capacity to forgive, forget and live your life like nothing bad ever happened to you. I still remember the day I went up to the man who had sexually abused me for years during my childhood. I did not go there to yell at him, take him to the police or to throw my anger in his face. I simply told him that I had forgiven him and that he should seek God’s forgiveness so as to live a fulfilled life and make heaven. Only a healed heart can do this.

Do you need to go up to someone today and do same? do not hesitate another day… your total healing depends on that sometimes. Please my dear friend, forgive and move on with your life. And above all else know that God loves you dearly and wants the very best for you. Never doubt it another day. Some day you will read my full story in a book and you will know that there is no limit to the depth God will go to save and heal the last the lost and the least.

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